coincidence?

This weekend, I took a break from my life and lived kind of like I used to. Me and a couple of my sorority sisters did a road trip to a huge event held in Atlanta. I had my apprehensions and wasn't completely sure if I should go...but it was seriously....a blast. Of course LA (my deceased ex) was still on my mind, but it wasn't as bogging and depressing as it usually is. I did have one instance where I teared up. Friday night, I met an amazing guy......he was handsome, charming, pleasantly aggressive and had a secure career, a firefighter. He was smooth and his voice was to die for, a sweet Alabama tinged accent, I loved it. We kissed lightly, respectfully and even held hands. Seriously, he seemed like the perfect guy that would be the type to make me come out of my dating hiding, if you will. Someone I could see myself really wanting to invest time in. Then...the were the things that made me go "hmm." 1. His first name was LA's last time. 2. When we kissed and was about to part ways, he said something along the lines of "can I keep you." When LA asked me to be his girlfriend, he said " Can I have you." Isn't that strange? But my pefect story doesn't end perfect like most things in my life. Long story short, Mr. A kind of flaked on me and I didn't get to see him Saturday or Sunday. Even after he text me Saturday morning saying he enjoyed spending time with me and wanted to see me. I understand at events like this, you meet tons of people - exchange numbers, live it up for the weekend then go back to real life the next week, leaving everything and everyone behind. I get it, really I do, but there was something about this guy. When we went to a cafe that night, he left to go to the restroom and he grabbed my hand and asked if I was going to be okay standing there. It was small gestures, mannerisms...no scratch that....I liked everything about him.

I have been very vocal recently about my moratorium on dating and why I feel the way I do. I met several different guys over the course of the weekend and I honestly only wanted to spend time with Mr. A. I'm just so confused about my life, where it's going and its happenings. One of my nightly prayers has been that if I'm not meant to be alone and I didn't miss my chance at true love that I meet someone with a pure heart, amongst several other qualities. I've asked for spiritual guidance and I asked God to give me some direction. Thinking about this guy and the couple of "coincidence" features, I just wonder what was the purpose? Was it my sign to tell me not to give up, and continue improving myself because there is someone out there? Was it to specifically make me meet this particular guy? And if so, then why have him be perfect then flake all of the sudden? Was it to get my mind of the waste of space known as ND? Was it a manifestation of some sort of LA? OR....was it just a really big coincidence? If this was a facade, a coincidence or whatever....I don't understand why God would play these sick jokes on me.

Now that I'm back home, I have time a knife in my neck to process the weekend and especially that situation. I've erased Mr. A's number, because I'm sure I won't hear from him again. And it's not like I didn't try to see him, I txt him Saturday night with hopes he'd want to meet up but it didn't happen. I wasn't the only who was fooled if it was game...my friends thought he was super into me too. It happened so fast and was so intense, just like when LA and I began. The couple of hours it lasted were great but now it's back to my reality unfortunately.

I don't know what to think. I don't know if my life is going in the right direction. I just want the toying with my feelings to stop...whoever is behind it.

junebug baby.

It’s a week into my favorite month of the year, it’s June ya’ll! I have a lot of things planned for this month that guarantee I’m going to need a serious *pause* break in July but, for now, I’m going to bask in my glorious month. I'm going to have fun and ignore the fact that my life continues to hate me. In 17 more days, I’ll be 24. Most years birthdays go by and that number steadily climbs, but nobody really feels a change. This year, I do. I am beginning to see it, hear it and feel it more and more each day. I’m changing and it’s obvious.

Recently I read a quote that went something like this, “If you can look back at the person you were 5 years ago and see the same person, you haven’t done something right.” I agree wholeheartedly. I am absolutely not the same person when I was 18, not even the same person as 22. Some may question my “change” and wonder if it is just me still finding myself since I am still quite young. Whatever it is, I’m not the same.

I’m still on strike in the dating world, but then again, it’s not like I’m fighting off suitors left and right. There are none. To think of having a future and having to go at it alone sucks. Especially when everyone around you is making strides. I wish I could say I’m not jealous, but I appreciate honesty…. so yes, I am jealous. I know I know, what God has for you, it is is for you and what has for me, it is for me…yeah yeah I get it! But finding comfort in that is not the easiest task. Everyone that I have told about my dating moratorium doesn’t believe me. But it’s real. Of course I still want love, I’m just done with putting up with the BS. I won’t tolerate it. I won’t allow myself to invest any energy or effort into anything which means it’ll take a spectacular man to come about to change my mind. I won’t settle for anything less. Even if that means I’ll be starting my cat collection soon….. (eww I hate cats)

no flowers.

It happened. ND managed to wreck my life....again. I can really only blame ME this time. I wasn't being honest with myself about my expectations of our reunion (if you can call it that). He knows the right things to say to keep you holding on and I fell for it, hard! He told me just the other week that he wanted a relationship and that we were "talking" but then I find out that he is entertaining the SAME girl that appeared in our bout before. I used to laugh with my friends and call her desperate and pitiful because they had been "talking" for so long and he's made her nothing significant...the same could be said for me. Although, there were definitely some breaks thrown in there where we didn't speak - overall, it's the same situation. In fact, she's doing better than me because she is actually seeing him! If I was a violent person I swear...

But that's neither here nor there. The real issue is the whole dating debacle. So much has changed in the dating world and either A) I'm not cut out for it B) I'm still not ready for it or C) I meet all the wrong people. It could be a combination of all three. I'm now taking a break from dating - how long? I can't say. I'm not even sure that I want to get back in, ever. It's too much work to get to know someone and then you find out that everything you thought you knew was a facade.

I am a firm believer of dating multiple people so the problem with ND wasn't that he was talking to other girls. It was that he didn't know how to manage us. I hadn't seen him since August so why wouldn't he want to see me before her? Why would he lie and say all those things to me about wanting to be with me when there are clearly contenders ahead of me? I don't get it. I probably never will so I'm going to stop trying to understand.

I'm about to be 24 years old. I'm not interested in dating for compaionship or conveinence. If I date you, I'm dating you to determine if we could be together long term. These guys out here ain't about that life. Happy May ya'll. (sigh)

april showers

April is a tough month for me, to say the least. April 8, 2011 I lost my best friend, LA. He was my ex boyfriend, but we had plans of changing that. We had so many plans. I had given him such a hard time while he tirelessly worked his way back into my life. I was apprehensive because of some the events in our history but I didn’t/couldn’t see myself with any other person. He was going to come visit me April 15, but instead I watched as they laid him to rest. He was moving here after he graduated in December, but instead I mourned and missed him all by my lonesome. I would’ve never expected this reaction to his loss in a million years. I think that’s mostly due to the fact that I never expected to lose him, all of him forever. My grieving process has been a work in progress. I am nowhere near where I used to be but I am still leaps and bounds from where I would like to be.

This entire situation has brought about many revelations, both good and bad. For the most part, I have had to deal with this on my own. I try not to speak about the situation for fear of making some uncomfortable. But is it fair that I’m supposed to have all these people who care about me and I can’t even depend on them for support? I’m tired of trying to make other people happy before me. It’s MY life and I deserve to be as selfish as I want when it comes to me. There has been times when I considered that maybe he wasn’t for me. Maybe he really wasn’t my destiny. It just feels so wrong to say that though, how could I be so wrong about something I felt so sure about? I’ve tried to step outside my comfort zones in the past year to entertain the possibility that someone else is out there for me. I can describe the experience in one word…FAIL.

My latest attempt involved someone I mentioned in a previous post. “ND.” I don’t know why I ever expect anything more than disappointment from him. My heart has already been torn, broken and burned and it seems like instead of trying to help mend it, he pours a bag of salt on an open wound every. single. time. I try to forget about how hurt I really am and something, or someone, always comes in and gives me multiple reminders.

Also, April 8th is my great grandmother’s birthday. She passed away my junior year of high school. Her death was so quick and unexpected, I think it left all of us in shock. She went to the doctor for a routine appointment and never came back home. Even though she was only about 4’10”, she had the personality of a 7-foot-tall giant. She lived to be over 80 years old. I am not sad that she passed because she lived such a long and full life. I am sad because my relationship with that half of the family has declined so much. Her birthday reminds me of how things change, and not always for the better. I just feel like if she or my grandma Cookie were still here, things would be so much better and our family wouldn’t have fallen apart like it has.

That’s one thing I have always wanted, my own family. Over the years I have noticed the subtle changes in all my family. How traditions are no longer sacred or treasured. How we stop spending as much time together. How we let other people come in between what we have… It’s so sad. I promised myself I would not let that happen to me, but now it just seems that I’ll never have a chance at building my own.

Man, this month is tough. It feels as if I have digressed a bit on my progress from last year. I sometimes wonder what in the world my purpose on this Earth is. I don’t know what it is I want to do, where it is I want to go…dreams I had for myself before have crumbled right before my eyes. *sigh* Here’s to hoping the old saying is true, “April showers bring May flowers.” I could sure use a nice bouquet in life right now.

march.

Happy March, ya’ll!

Yes-I do realize that I am 12 days late, but better late than never. I cannot believe how this year is already flying. However, I am excited for spring and warmer temperatures. Warmer temperatures=happier me.

So far, I have a lot planned for the month that I am looking forward to. This past weekend, I decided to switch out my closet. You know, switch my winter clothing out for spring and summer clothes. The process was grueling! Four hours later, after I submerged from a overflow of shoes and clothes…I had some realizations.

1. I really am blessed.
I work for a public service government agency. Daily, I see people struggle to make ends meet-from wondering where their next meal is coming from to having to wear the same clothes over and over. Life for me has been extremely tough during the past year. So tough that there were times that I seriously did not believe I could make it through. In dealing with all of the bad, I had forgotten about any good. I packed two trash bags full of clothes and shoes I didn’t want anymore and that barely put a dent in my closet. It’s still packed to the max and my dresser drawers are spilling over. Things may not be completely right in my life, and I have suffered several losses but my basic needs are beyond met. I do not have to go hungry, I have plenty of clothes to put on my back and I have a safe, warm place to rest every night. It’s so easy to take the little things for granted, but those little things are the world to someone else. I am grateful.

2. Spring cleaning needs to take effect in all areas of life.
Every year, I have this urge to clean around spring time. I throw out old things and organize everything else. Although the process is long, I feel so much better when all is said and done. And this year, (even though my closet still needs some work) going into a clutter free space to pick out my outfit starts me on a better foot each morning. Now, what if we take that same logic and apply it to our lives. What if we clean out the unnecessary and outdated material? Think about what stresses you out, think about certain habits you have that you would like to change, think about dead-end relationships and friendships, evaluate what you can change and toss the rest! I’ll use myself as an example. Some things I am cutting out of my life are: fast food, my nail biting habit, my hair twirling habit ( I know) and everyone I feel that does not appreciate me. Unlike my two trash bags of old belongings from my closet, I won’t be donating these! With that said, think about it....

Live easier!

there's this one thing that got me trippin'.

God be trying to play me ya’ll!

In February I was experiencing a heightened sense of self-reflection, self-discovery and self-love. I felt so confident and steadfast that I was able to exert self control and stand on my own two feet that I decided to challenge God. I challenged him to test me. And that, He did… He cut right to the chase and threw the biggest test of all right at me. I’m sure many can agree that we all have that one person who manages to drop by our lives and wreaks havoc during their stay. Until action is taken, they continue to flip life upside down and inside out. Last month is when I decided I was done with my unruly guest.

We shall refer to this guy as my natural disaster-ND for short. ND and I have never been in a relationship. There was a point in time I felt certain that we would be, but it never came. It started to feel like the more I got to know him, the more selfish, rude and conniving he got. So, I let it and him go. A few months later, I went on vacation and what do you know….seen him at a club. After that, we conversed a little but nothing major. On another trip to his city, I decided I would try to stop and see him. I did. And what was meant to be a short visit wounded up being over 2 hours. That evening, I was reminded of all the things I had liked about him before. He was amazingly handsome and strong, we had awesome conversation talking about any and everything, he made me laugh and I made him laugh, he made me feel beautiful and I had this sense of security being there with him. We ended up falling out of touch. The next instance was the last and by far the worst. He crept back in my life telling me how much he missed me and wanted to see me. I was at a very lonely point so I agreed. Long story short-he stood me up. I had never been so livid at another human being in my entire life. He made up some story for an explanation and I was not happy. I crowned him the king of buttholes and was done.

Well, he text me yesterday. He started out in a general conversation and then asked to confess something. He apologized for being a total asshole in the past and told me that he misses me so much and thinks about me every day. PAUSE! FLAG ON THE PLAY! REWIND…AND RUN THAT ISH BACK! Did this self-absorbed player just apologize to me?! At that moment, I began to feel weak. Maybe I hadn’t come as far as I thought? I didn’t know what to say, except “I appreciate that.” My exact words. He went on to tell me that he would like to see me, so I decided to test him. You see, he always wanted me to go to his city to see him (we live 3hrs apart); coming to see me was not an option, even though I had my own place long before he had his. I asked him if he would drive to see me and…..he says “yes, why wouldn’t I.” PAUSE. Say what now? I told him why I had asked and he said “well I had time to think about it.” PAUSE, again. I let my mind indulge for a moment, or two…or three. How was I feeling so weak when I was so strong a few hours before? Most importantly though…what is it about this guy that has the power to dang near bring me to my knees? Does he just know all the right things to say or am I just a bumbling fool? I ended up playing it cool and the conversation ended. I can’t say that I wasn’t looking for another text from him later that night or this morning. But, I don’t know why. Maybe it was the hopeless romantic in me that was holding on to the sheer hope that he really did take time and think about things. Maybe it was missing having someone fighting to win my heart. Maybe it was his words that teased me into thinking he’d somehow developed the qualities he was missing.

I didn’t give in though. I stayed short, clear and kept my feelings at bay (at least from him). It’s on the inside that I’m having this battle.

I wish I could know what it is about this guy….

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love thyself.

“ Before you love someone else or allow someone else to love you, you must first love yourself.” How many times do we hear or see those words? As a young woman, I can’t count the number of times I have. Let me have seen them a few months, or maybe even weeks ago, and I would have sucked my teeth, grimaced a little and kept scrolling. Why? Because it appeared to be a given and quite frankly having people say that was a bit insulting. I imagined that people without self-love were the druggies and streetwalkers. But recently, I began to realize that is not the case. And, I saw that I don’t love myself the way I should. The love you have for yourself should be mind-blowing, unbreakable and evident. Mine was barely any of that.

As a child, I struggled. At home, I was the only child but I was ok with it. I enjoyed playing alone and having time to myself. The majority of my issues began when I didn’t fit in with the other black kids at school. I had a mind of my own and I didn’t see color. Let me tell you, that was not the norm for my town. Then came middle school . I had a ridiculous growth spurt and quickly became the tallest girl in my class. I was skinny, tall, awkward and black. I found myself wishing all the time that I could fix myself to fit and blend in. In high school, I began to care less and less about what other people thought. I realized I wasn’t made to fit in and decided I would no longer try to. By college, I was confident. It took years to build, but I could finally say that I was confident. It seems my confidence made me noticeable because I received a great amount of attention from the opposite sex toward the end of high school and all throughout college. And, I believe that was where my demise began…

I wouldn’t say that I lost all confidence because I didn’t. I just got so used to having someone there that I didn’t remember how to be alone. I had been the most unhappiest of my life during the past year or so. Now, there was a lot that contributed to that, but one thing that I have acknowledged was my self-love. I was forced to be alone when I lost someone very dear to me. I expected everyone around me to step up to the plate and help me get through my trying time. That didn’t quite happen. I started into this spiral of loathing everything. The city I lived in, the apartment I lived in, the people I worked with, the job I worked at and mostly because I felt so alone. I hadn’t been completely and totally alone since I began dating back in high school. If it didn’t work with one guy, rest assured there were plenty waiting in line. I always had a backup. This time, I didn’t. I only had me. Sure, there were friends and family, but no one understood me. I slowly began to feel like that out of place girl in grade school.

The truth became evident all of the sudden. It was not my job or the city that was making me so unhappy, it had a lot to do with me. How could I be happy with anything if I wasn’t happy with myself? Unlike other types of relationships, there was no option to abandon ship, break –up or divorce. To fall back in love with myself has not been an easy process. It’s gradual and very similar to working out the kinks in an old flame. I did things I enjoyed because I enjoy them. I cooked and tried out new recipes…for me. I set “me dates” multiple times throughout the week, even if it was just watching a favorite TV show. I set time aside to reflect on my days, so I could have a meaningful conversation with me. I discussed my needs and wants and reassured myself, that I am worth EVERYTHING.

Now I don’t know what the future holds for my love life…but I do know that if there is someone out there in the realms looking for me; I am confident that I would be the best companion I could possibly be. All because I love me first.

the natural hair rut.

That moment when a recovering addict is tested and begins to have second thoughts. Hello, hiya I am there. And, the saddest part is, I’m not fully natural. I am currently 12 ½ months post relaxer with a guesstimate of 40-50% of my relaxed ends left. So here comes the major problems:

• Moisture! Lord have mercy, I have had the worst time trying to retain moisture. I keep blaming it on the two different textures having two different requirements, but honestly I’m not sure what is going on. I have been trying different methods and luckily have made some progress but…Lord! The struggles I have dealt with thus far….
• Thickness! Now, let me be clear-I am not saying that having thick hair is a problem but I am saying that is a problem to deal with when you’re not used to it. Not only is it thick, but it is very kinky and coarse. When I was getting a relaxer, the relaxer tamed it and made my hair much more manageable. This is why I cannot be mad at my mama for relaxing at such a young age. Having such thick hair is time consuming, and product consuming-which means it is also money consuming.
• Two textures/Styling! In a couple of words…killing me. Styles are so hard to do because it seems like one part of my hair will be on point. Defined and cute; then the other rebels and turns into a dry frizz ball mess, forcing me into a bun. I have about 2-3 styles that work for me right now and 2 of those styles are buns.
• Confidence! My confidence hasn’t taken a nose dive, BUT it has been affected. Why? Mostly due to the limited styling options and moisture issues. Basically, when my hair ain’t right, I don’t feel right. Call that insecure or shallow , but for me it’s true.

I have been in this rut for a couple of weeks now. It started after I took out my box braids and had to actually attempt to manage all the new growth and thickness. I was reading Curly Nikki this morning and there was a post about a girl needing encouragement. I wanted to hug her because I am there. I don’t care what anyone says, having relaxed hair is easier. It may not be the most healthy or conducive to growing your hair, but if we were comparing based on manageability alone, I would hands down say relaxer.

All this talk about relaxers…are you really going back??

No. Although it was easier for me, I can’t go back. I have sensitive skin and thick hair. That combination means that I never left a perming session without a chemical burn. Scalp, neck, edges…they have all been burned. One time, I got one so bad on the back of my neck, that it burned to the white meat. I still have a scar on one area. That experience should have been enough to deter me then, but, sadly I was ignorant to any other options.

I am hoping that this really is just a rut, and that my hair has to grow out of its current awkward stage. Many people have suggested that I go ahead and chop to make my life easier. I have thought about BC’ing so much that I think my brain has turned blue. When I began transitioning, I had no set time frame. I just knew that I wanted to be a long term transitioner. Then I made the one year mark. I didn’t have as much new growth as I had pictured in my mind. I do believe I am on track with other naturals at the 12 month post relaxer point, but for some reason I expected more. So as 13 months post peers at me, I have decided that I am going to try to hold out until my 18 month mark. I am a firm believer that my hair prospers most when I just leave it alone and have my hands out of it so I am going to try a couple of cutesy protective styles to get me to my goal.

I am toying with the idea of getting a full sew in, which will last me about 2 months if I take care of it well. Carrying me over into month 15.

After the sew in, I’ll bantu knot and bun it out for a few weeks to give my hair some air and rest, and then get Senegalese twists. Those will definitely last me 2 months; maybe 3 if I play my cards right. Taking me right into month 18.

At 18 months post relaxer, I may cut. I say may because as you get to know me, you'll see that hardly anything in my mind is ever definite.
Here’s to happy growing to me and any other person out there in a hair rut! :)

a hello from me to you.

Per Merriam-Webster

Definition of SOUTHERN
capitalized : of, relating to, or characteristic of a region conventionally designated South
Definition of PROSPERITY
the condition of being successful or thriving;

I figured it’d be most appropriate if I started out with a slight introduction. Ya’ll can call me Kay. I’m a 23 year old young professional in the South. I was born here, raised here, went to college here and mostly likely, will die here. Why do I say that? Simply because I love it. Despite the social stigma that surrounds my beloved home, I am proud of my roots and it is my belief that no other place compares.

I like to consider myself a new era southern belle of sorts. I’m not the typical big blonde hair, deep blue eyes and white skinned southern belle that the world is so accustomed to. No, I am a semi-natural haired, deep brown-eyed, educated, mocha brown-skinned African American. Being a southern belle is more than skin color and status. It’s about values and how you carry yourself. My family holds the utmost importance to me. And, starting my own has been a dream of mine since I was a child.

Okay, so she’s southern…what’s with the prosperity? If you’re familiar with Black Greek Letter Organizations or the “Divine Nine,” I belong to the illustrious organization of Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority, Incorporated. Prosperity was the name given to me by my prophytes or older sisters. I’m proud of it and I strive to prosper in each sector of my life. It’s also fitting for my blog because I want to show people that while the South definitely have its kinks, we’re not all totally and completely backwards. It’s a thriving place and I strongly believe it will continue to prosper.

This blog is not meant to be exclusive to one topic. I am here to share my life, experiences, thoughts, feelings and concerns. What intrigues me, what disgusts me, reviews and so much more. As I have always enjoyed all types of writing, I do consider myself an artist. My main outlet as a child and teen was poetry and short stories. These days, with working and dealing with the stresses of life as a young adult, I have struggled with finding the time and the energy to invest in it like I used to. I guess you can say that this is an attempt to get it back, and also to document this crazy thing we call life. I'm an artist and life is my canvas. I do hope that someone out there will find something positive out of my blogging. Some knowledge, advice or maybe even a laugh or two.

If you do find something that you find likeable let me know! I love meeting new people, having discussions and sharing ideas!