love thyself.

“ Before you love someone else or allow someone else to love you, you must first love yourself.” How many times do we hear or see those words? As a young woman, I can’t count the number of times I have. Let me have seen them a few months, or maybe even weeks ago, and I would have sucked my teeth, grimaced a little and kept scrolling. Why? Because it appeared to be a given and quite frankly having people say that was a bit insulting. I imagined that people without self-love were the druggies and streetwalkers. But recently, I began to realize that is not the case. And, I saw that I don’t love myself the way I should. The love you have for yourself should be mind-blowing, unbreakable and evident. Mine was barely any of that.

As a child, I struggled. At home, I was the only child but I was ok with it. I enjoyed playing alone and having time to myself. The majority of my issues began when I didn’t fit in with the other black kids at school. I had a mind of my own and I didn’t see color. Let me tell you, that was not the norm for my town. Then came middle school . I had a ridiculous growth spurt and quickly became the tallest girl in my class. I was skinny, tall, awkward and black. I found myself wishing all the time that I could fix myself to fit and blend in. In high school, I began to care less and less about what other people thought. I realized I wasn’t made to fit in and decided I would no longer try to. By college, I was confident. It took years to build, but I could finally say that I was confident. It seems my confidence made me noticeable because I received a great amount of attention from the opposite sex toward the end of high school and all throughout college. And, I believe that was where my demise began…

I wouldn’t say that I lost all confidence because I didn’t. I just got so used to having someone there that I didn’t remember how to be alone. I had been the most unhappiest of my life during the past year or so. Now, there was a lot that contributed to that, but one thing that I have acknowledged was my self-love. I was forced to be alone when I lost someone very dear to me. I expected everyone around me to step up to the plate and help me get through my trying time. That didn’t quite happen. I started into this spiral of loathing everything. The city I lived in, the apartment I lived in, the people I worked with, the job I worked at and mostly because I felt so alone. I hadn’t been completely and totally alone since I began dating back in high school. If it didn’t work with one guy, rest assured there were plenty waiting in line. I always had a backup. This time, I didn’t. I only had me. Sure, there were friends and family, but no one understood me. I slowly began to feel like that out of place girl in grade school.

The truth became evident all of the sudden. It was not my job or the city that was making me so unhappy, it had a lot to do with me. How could I be happy with anything if I wasn’t happy with myself? Unlike other types of relationships, there was no option to abandon ship, break –up or divorce. To fall back in love with myself has not been an easy process. It’s gradual and very similar to working out the kinks in an old flame. I did things I enjoyed because I enjoy them. I cooked and tried out new recipes…for me. I set “me dates” multiple times throughout the week, even if it was just watching a favorite TV show. I set time aside to reflect on my days, so I could have a meaningful conversation with me. I discussed my needs and wants and reassured myself, that I am worth EVERYTHING.

Now I don’t know what the future holds for my love life…but I do know that if there is someone out there in the realms looking for me; I am confident that I would be the best companion I could possibly be. All because I love me first.