there's this one thing that got me trippin'.

God be trying to play me ya’ll!

In February I was experiencing a heightened sense of self-reflection, self-discovery and self-love. I felt so confident and steadfast that I was able to exert self control and stand on my own two feet that I decided to challenge God. I challenged him to test me. And that, He did… He cut right to the chase and threw the biggest test of all right at me. I’m sure many can agree that we all have that one person who manages to drop by our lives and wreaks havoc during their stay. Until action is taken, they continue to flip life upside down and inside out. Last month is when I decided I was done with my unruly guest.

We shall refer to this guy as my natural disaster-ND for short. ND and I have never been in a relationship. There was a point in time I felt certain that we would be, but it never came. It started to feel like the more I got to know him, the more selfish, rude and conniving he got. So, I let it and him go. A few months later, I went on vacation and what do you know….seen him at a club. After that, we conversed a little but nothing major. On another trip to his city, I decided I would try to stop and see him. I did. And what was meant to be a short visit wounded up being over 2 hours. That evening, I was reminded of all the things I had liked about him before. He was amazingly handsome and strong, we had awesome conversation talking about any and everything, he made me laugh and I made him laugh, he made me feel beautiful and I had this sense of security being there with him. We ended up falling out of touch. The next instance was the last and by far the worst. He crept back in my life telling me how much he missed me and wanted to see me. I was at a very lonely point so I agreed. Long story short-he stood me up. I had never been so livid at another human being in my entire life. He made up some story for an explanation and I was not happy. I crowned him the king of buttholes and was done.

Well, he text me yesterday. He started out in a general conversation and then asked to confess something. He apologized for being a total asshole in the past and told me that he misses me so much and thinks about me every day. PAUSE! FLAG ON THE PLAY! REWIND…AND RUN THAT ISH BACK! Did this self-absorbed player just apologize to me?! At that moment, I began to feel weak. Maybe I hadn’t come as far as I thought? I didn’t know what to say, except “I appreciate that.” My exact words. He went on to tell me that he would like to see me, so I decided to test him. You see, he always wanted me to go to his city to see him (we live 3hrs apart); coming to see me was not an option, even though I had my own place long before he had his. I asked him if he would drive to see me and…..he says “yes, why wouldn’t I.” PAUSE. Say what now? I told him why I had asked and he said “well I had time to think about it.” PAUSE, again. I let my mind indulge for a moment, or two…or three. How was I feeling so weak when I was so strong a few hours before? Most importantly though…what is it about this guy that has the power to dang near bring me to my knees? Does he just know all the right things to say or am I just a bumbling fool? I ended up playing it cool and the conversation ended. I can’t say that I wasn’t looking for another text from him later that night or this morning. But, I don’t know why. Maybe it was the hopeless romantic in me that was holding on to the sheer hope that he really did take time and think about things. Maybe it was missing having someone fighting to win my heart. Maybe it was his words that teased me into thinking he’d somehow developed the qualities he was missing.

I didn’t give in though. I stayed short, clear and kept my feelings at bay (at least from him). It’s on the inside that I’m having this battle.

I wish I could know what it is about this guy….