coincidence?

This weekend, I took a break from my life and lived kind of like I used to. Me and a couple of my sorority sisters did a road trip to a huge event held in Atlanta. I had my apprehensions and wasn't completely sure if I should go...but it was seriously....a blast. Of course LA (my deceased ex) was still on my mind, but it wasn't as bogging and depressing as it usually is. I did have one instance where I teared up. Friday night, I met an amazing guy......he was handsome, charming, pleasantly aggressive and had a secure career, a firefighter. He was smooth and his voice was to die for, a sweet Alabama tinged accent, I loved it. We kissed lightly, respectfully and even held hands. Seriously, he seemed like the perfect guy that would be the type to make me come out of my dating hiding, if you will. Someone I could see myself really wanting to invest time in. Then...the were the things that made me go "hmm." 1. His first name was LA's last time. 2. When we kissed and was about to part ways, he said something along the lines of "can I keep you." When LA asked me to be his girlfriend, he said " Can I have you." Isn't that strange? But my pefect story doesn't end perfect like most things in my life. Long story short, Mr. A kind of flaked on me and I didn't get to see him Saturday or Sunday. Even after he text me Saturday morning saying he enjoyed spending time with me and wanted to see me. I understand at events like this, you meet tons of people - exchange numbers, live it up for the weekend then go back to real life the next week, leaving everything and everyone behind. I get it, really I do, but there was something about this guy. When we went to a cafe that night, he left to go to the restroom and he grabbed my hand and asked if I was going to be okay standing there. It was small gestures, mannerisms...no scratch that....I liked everything about him.

I have been very vocal recently about my moratorium on dating and why I feel the way I do. I met several different guys over the course of the weekend and I honestly only wanted to spend time with Mr. A. I'm just so confused about my life, where it's going and its happenings. One of my nightly prayers has been that if I'm not meant to be alone and I didn't miss my chance at true love that I meet someone with a pure heart, amongst several other qualities. I've asked for spiritual guidance and I asked God to give me some direction. Thinking about this guy and the couple of "coincidence" features, I just wonder what was the purpose? Was it my sign to tell me not to give up, and continue improving myself because there is someone out there? Was it to specifically make me meet this particular guy? And if so, then why have him be perfect then flake all of the sudden? Was it to get my mind of the waste of space known as ND? Was it a manifestation of some sort of LA? OR....was it just a really big coincidence? If this was a facade, a coincidence or whatever....I don't understand why God would play these sick jokes on me.

Now that I'm back home, I have time a knife in my neck to process the weekend and especially that situation. I've erased Mr. A's number, because I'm sure I won't hear from him again. And it's not like I didn't try to see him, I txt him Saturday night with hopes he'd want to meet up but it didn't happen. I wasn't the only who was fooled if it was game...my friends thought he was super into me too. It happened so fast and was so intense, just like when LA and I began. The couple of hours it lasted were great but now it's back to my reality unfortunately.

I don't know what to think. I don't know if my life is going in the right direction. I just want the toying with my feelings to stop...whoever is behind it.

junebug baby.

It’s a week into my favorite month of the year, it’s June ya’ll! I have a lot of things planned for this month that guarantee I’m going to need a serious *pause* break in July but, for now, I’m going to bask in my glorious month. I'm going to have fun and ignore the fact that my life continues to hate me. In 17 more days, I’ll be 24. Most years birthdays go by and that number steadily climbs, but nobody really feels a change. This year, I do. I am beginning to see it, hear it and feel it more and more each day. I’m changing and it’s obvious.

Recently I read a quote that went something like this, “If you can look back at the person you were 5 years ago and see the same person, you haven’t done something right.” I agree wholeheartedly. I am absolutely not the same person when I was 18, not even the same person as 22. Some may question my “change” and wonder if it is just me still finding myself since I am still quite young. Whatever it is, I’m not the same.

I’m still on strike in the dating world, but then again, it’s not like I’m fighting off suitors left and right. There are none. To think of having a future and having to go at it alone sucks. Especially when everyone around you is making strides. I wish I could say I’m not jealous, but I appreciate honesty…. so yes, I am jealous. I know I know, what God has for you, it is is for you and what has for me, it is for me…yeah yeah I get it! But finding comfort in that is not the easiest task. Everyone that I have told about my dating moratorium doesn’t believe me. But it’s real. Of course I still want love, I’m just done with putting up with the BS. I won’t tolerate it. I won’t allow myself to invest any energy or effort into anything which means it’ll take a spectacular man to come about to change my mind. I won’t settle for anything less. Even if that means I’ll be starting my cat collection soon….. (eww I hate cats)

no flowers.

It happened. ND managed to wreck my life....again. I can really only blame ME this time. I wasn't being honest with myself about my expectations of our reunion (if you can call it that). He knows the right things to say to keep you holding on and I fell for it, hard! He told me just the other week that he wanted a relationship and that we were "talking" but then I find out that he is entertaining the SAME girl that appeared in our bout before. I used to laugh with my friends and call her desperate and pitiful because they had been "talking" for so long and he's made her nothing significant...the same could be said for me. Although, there were definitely some breaks thrown in there where we didn't speak - overall, it's the same situation. In fact, she's doing better than me because she is actually seeing him! If I was a violent person I swear...

But that's neither here nor there. The real issue is the whole dating debacle. So much has changed in the dating world and either A) I'm not cut out for it B) I'm still not ready for it or C) I meet all the wrong people. It could be a combination of all three. I'm now taking a break from dating - how long? I can't say. I'm not even sure that I want to get back in, ever. It's too much work to get to know someone and then you find out that everything you thought you knew was a facade.

I am a firm believer of dating multiple people so the problem with ND wasn't that he was talking to other girls. It was that he didn't know how to manage us. I hadn't seen him since August so why wouldn't he want to see me before her? Why would he lie and say all those things to me about wanting to be with me when there are clearly contenders ahead of me? I don't get it. I probably never will so I'm going to stop trying to understand.

I'm about to be 24 years old. I'm not interested in dating for compaionship or conveinence. If I date you, I'm dating you to determine if we could be together long term. These guys out here ain't about that life. Happy May ya'll. (sigh)

there's this one thing that got me trippin'.

God be trying to play me ya’ll!

In February I was experiencing a heightened sense of self-reflection, self-discovery and self-love. I felt so confident and steadfast that I was able to exert self control and stand on my own two feet that I decided to challenge God. I challenged him to test me. And that, He did… He cut right to the chase and threw the biggest test of all right at me. I’m sure many can agree that we all have that one person who manages to drop by our lives and wreaks havoc during their stay. Until action is taken, they continue to flip life upside down and inside out. Last month is when I decided I was done with my unruly guest.

We shall refer to this guy as my natural disaster-ND for short. ND and I have never been in a relationship. There was a point in time I felt certain that we would be, but it never came. It started to feel like the more I got to know him, the more selfish, rude and conniving he got. So, I let it and him go. A few months later, I went on vacation and what do you know….seen him at a club. After that, we conversed a little but nothing major. On another trip to his city, I decided I would try to stop and see him. I did. And what was meant to be a short visit wounded up being over 2 hours. That evening, I was reminded of all the things I had liked about him before. He was amazingly handsome and strong, we had awesome conversation talking about any and everything, he made me laugh and I made him laugh, he made me feel beautiful and I had this sense of security being there with him. We ended up falling out of touch. The next instance was the last and by far the worst. He crept back in my life telling me how much he missed me and wanted to see me. I was at a very lonely point so I agreed. Long story short-he stood me up. I had never been so livid at another human being in my entire life. He made up some story for an explanation and I was not happy. I crowned him the king of buttholes and was done.

Well, he text me yesterday. He started out in a general conversation and then asked to confess something. He apologized for being a total asshole in the past and told me that he misses me so much and thinks about me every day. PAUSE! FLAG ON THE PLAY! REWIND…AND RUN THAT ISH BACK! Did this self-absorbed player just apologize to me?! At that moment, I began to feel weak. Maybe I hadn’t come as far as I thought? I didn’t know what to say, except “I appreciate that.” My exact words. He went on to tell me that he would like to see me, so I decided to test him. You see, he always wanted me to go to his city to see him (we live 3hrs apart); coming to see me was not an option, even though I had my own place long before he had his. I asked him if he would drive to see me and…..he says “yes, why wouldn’t I.” PAUSE. Say what now? I told him why I had asked and he said “well I had time to think about it.” PAUSE, again. I let my mind indulge for a moment, or two…or three. How was I feeling so weak when I was so strong a few hours before? Most importantly though…what is it about this guy that has the power to dang near bring me to my knees? Does he just know all the right things to say or am I just a bumbling fool? I ended up playing it cool and the conversation ended. I can’t say that I wasn’t looking for another text from him later that night or this morning. But, I don’t know why. Maybe it was the hopeless romantic in me that was holding on to the sheer hope that he really did take time and think about things. Maybe it was missing having someone fighting to win my heart. Maybe it was his words that teased me into thinking he’d somehow developed the qualities he was missing.

I didn’t give in though. I stayed short, clear and kept my feelings at bay (at least from him). It’s on the inside that I’m having this battle.

I wish I could know what it is about this guy….