coincidence?

This weekend, I took a break from my life and lived kind of like I used to. Me and a couple of my sorority sisters did a road trip to a huge event held in Atlanta. I had my apprehensions and wasn't completely sure if I should go...but it was seriously....a blast. Of course LA (my deceased ex) was still on my mind, but it wasn't as bogging and depressing as it usually is. I did have one instance where I teared up. Friday night, I met an amazing guy......he was handsome, charming, pleasantly aggressive and had a secure career, a firefighter. He was smooth and his voice was to die for, a sweet Alabama tinged accent, I loved it. We kissed lightly, respectfully and even held hands. Seriously, he seemed like the perfect guy that would be the type to make me come out of my dating hiding, if you will. Someone I could see myself really wanting to invest time in. Then...the were the things that made me go "hmm." 1. His first name was LA's last time. 2. When we kissed and was about to part ways, he said something along the lines of "can I keep you." When LA asked me to be his girlfriend, he said " Can I have you." Isn't that strange? But my pefect story doesn't end perfect like most things in my life. Long story short, Mr. A kind of flaked on me and I didn't get to see him Saturday or Sunday. Even after he text me Saturday morning saying he enjoyed spending time with me and wanted to see me. I understand at events like this, you meet tons of people - exchange numbers, live it up for the weekend then go back to real life the next week, leaving everything and everyone behind. I get it, really I do, but there was something about this guy. When we went to a cafe that night, he left to go to the restroom and he grabbed my hand and asked if I was going to be okay standing there. It was small gestures, mannerisms...no scratch that....I liked everything about him.

I have been very vocal recently about my moratorium on dating and why I feel the way I do. I met several different guys over the course of the weekend and I honestly only wanted to spend time with Mr. A. I'm just so confused about my life, where it's going and its happenings. One of my nightly prayers has been that if I'm not meant to be alone and I didn't miss my chance at true love that I meet someone with a pure heart, amongst several other qualities. I've asked for spiritual guidance and I asked God to give me some direction. Thinking about this guy and the couple of "coincidence" features, I just wonder what was the purpose? Was it my sign to tell me not to give up, and continue improving myself because there is someone out there? Was it to specifically make me meet this particular guy? And if so, then why have him be perfect then flake all of the sudden? Was it to get my mind of the waste of space known as ND? Was it a manifestation of some sort of LA? OR....was it just a really big coincidence? If this was a facade, a coincidence or whatever....I don't understand why God would play these sick jokes on me.

Now that I'm back home, I have time a knife in my neck to process the weekend and especially that situation. I've erased Mr. A's number, because I'm sure I won't hear from him again. And it's not like I didn't try to see him, I txt him Saturday night with hopes he'd want to meet up but it didn't happen. I wasn't the only who was fooled if it was game...my friends thought he was super into me too. It happened so fast and was so intense, just like when LA and I began. The couple of hours it lasted were great but now it's back to my reality unfortunately.

I don't know what to think. I don't know if my life is going in the right direction. I just want the toying with my feelings to stop...whoever is behind it.

junebug baby.

It’s a week into my favorite month of the year, it’s June ya’ll! I have a lot of things planned for this month that guarantee I’m going to need a serious *pause* break in July but, for now, I’m going to bask in my glorious month. I'm going to have fun and ignore the fact that my life continues to hate me. In 17 more days, I’ll be 24. Most years birthdays go by and that number steadily climbs, but nobody really feels a change. This year, I do. I am beginning to see it, hear it and feel it more and more each day. I’m changing and it’s obvious.

Recently I read a quote that went something like this, “If you can look back at the person you were 5 years ago and see the same person, you haven’t done something right.” I agree wholeheartedly. I am absolutely not the same person when I was 18, not even the same person as 22. Some may question my “change” and wonder if it is just me still finding myself since I am still quite young. Whatever it is, I’m not the same.

I’m still on strike in the dating world, but then again, it’s not like I’m fighting off suitors left and right. There are none. To think of having a future and having to go at it alone sucks. Especially when everyone around you is making strides. I wish I could say I’m not jealous, but I appreciate honesty…. so yes, I am jealous. I know I know, what God has for you, it is is for you and what has for me, it is for me…yeah yeah I get it! But finding comfort in that is not the easiest task. Everyone that I have told about my dating moratorium doesn’t believe me. But it’s real. Of course I still want love, I’m just done with putting up with the BS. I won’t tolerate it. I won’t allow myself to invest any energy or effort into anything which means it’ll take a spectacular man to come about to change my mind. I won’t settle for anything less. Even if that means I’ll be starting my cat collection soon….. (eww I hate cats)