coincidence?

This weekend, I took a break from my life and lived kind of like I used to. Me and a couple of my sorority sisters did a road trip to a huge event held in Atlanta. I had my apprehensions and wasn't completely sure if I should go...but it was seriously....a blast. Of course LA (my deceased ex) was still on my mind, but it wasn't as bogging and depressing as it usually is. I did have one instance where I teared up. Friday night, I met an amazing guy......he was handsome, charming, pleasantly aggressive and had a secure career, a firefighter. He was smooth and his voice was to die for, a sweet Alabama tinged accent, I loved it. We kissed lightly, respectfully and even held hands. Seriously, he seemed like the perfect guy that would be the type to make me come out of my dating hiding, if you will. Someone I could see myself really wanting to invest time in. Then...the were the things that made me go "hmm." 1. His first name was LA's last time. 2. When we kissed and was about to part ways, he said something along the lines of "can I keep you." When LA asked me to be his girlfriend, he said " Can I have you." Isn't that strange? But my pefect story doesn't end perfect like most things in my life. Long story short, Mr. A kind of flaked on me and I didn't get to see him Saturday or Sunday. Even after he text me Saturday morning saying he enjoyed spending time with me and wanted to see me. I understand at events like this, you meet tons of people - exchange numbers, live it up for the weekend then go back to real life the next week, leaving everything and everyone behind. I get it, really I do, but there was something about this guy. When we went to a cafe that night, he left to go to the restroom and he grabbed my hand and asked if I was going to be okay standing there. It was small gestures, mannerisms...no scratch that....I liked everything about him.

I have been very vocal recently about my moratorium on dating and why I feel the way I do. I met several different guys over the course of the weekend and I honestly only wanted to spend time with Mr. A. I'm just so confused about my life, where it's going and its happenings. One of my nightly prayers has been that if I'm not meant to be alone and I didn't miss my chance at true love that I meet someone with a pure heart, amongst several other qualities. I've asked for spiritual guidance and I asked God to give me some direction. Thinking about this guy and the couple of "coincidence" features, I just wonder what was the purpose? Was it my sign to tell me not to give up, and continue improving myself because there is someone out there? Was it to specifically make me meet this particular guy? And if so, then why have him be perfect then flake all of the sudden? Was it to get my mind of the waste of space known as ND? Was it a manifestation of some sort of LA? OR....was it just a really big coincidence? If this was a facade, a coincidence or whatever....I don't understand why God would play these sick jokes on me.

Now that I'm back home, I have time a knife in my neck to process the weekend and especially that situation. I've erased Mr. A's number, because I'm sure I won't hear from him again. And it's not like I didn't try to see him, I txt him Saturday night with hopes he'd want to meet up but it didn't happen. I wasn't the only who was fooled if it was game...my friends thought he was super into me too. It happened so fast and was so intense, just like when LA and I began. The couple of hours it lasted were great but now it's back to my reality unfortunately.

I don't know what to think. I don't know if my life is going in the right direction. I just want the toying with my feelings to stop...whoever is behind it.

junebug baby.

It’s a week into my favorite month of the year, it’s June ya’ll! I have a lot of things planned for this month that guarantee I’m going to need a serious *pause* break in July but, for now, I’m going to bask in my glorious month. I'm going to have fun and ignore the fact that my life continues to hate me. In 17 more days, I’ll be 24. Most years birthdays go by and that number steadily climbs, but nobody really feels a change. This year, I do. I am beginning to see it, hear it and feel it more and more each day. I’m changing and it’s obvious.

Recently I read a quote that went something like this, “If you can look back at the person you were 5 years ago and see the same person, you haven’t done something right.” I agree wholeheartedly. I am absolutely not the same person when I was 18, not even the same person as 22. Some may question my “change” and wonder if it is just me still finding myself since I am still quite young. Whatever it is, I’m not the same.

I’m still on strike in the dating world, but then again, it’s not like I’m fighting off suitors left and right. There are none. To think of having a future and having to go at it alone sucks. Especially when everyone around you is making strides. I wish I could say I’m not jealous, but I appreciate honesty…. so yes, I am jealous. I know I know, what God has for you, it is is for you and what has for me, it is for me…yeah yeah I get it! But finding comfort in that is not the easiest task. Everyone that I have told about my dating moratorium doesn’t believe me. But it’s real. Of course I still want love, I’m just done with putting up with the BS. I won’t tolerate it. I won’t allow myself to invest any energy or effort into anything which means it’ll take a spectacular man to come about to change my mind. I won’t settle for anything less. Even if that means I’ll be starting my cat collection soon….. (eww I hate cats)

no flowers.

It happened. ND managed to wreck my life....again. I can really only blame ME this time. I wasn't being honest with myself about my expectations of our reunion (if you can call it that). He knows the right things to say to keep you holding on and I fell for it, hard! He told me just the other week that he wanted a relationship and that we were "talking" but then I find out that he is entertaining the SAME girl that appeared in our bout before. I used to laugh with my friends and call her desperate and pitiful because they had been "talking" for so long and he's made her nothing significant...the same could be said for me. Although, there were definitely some breaks thrown in there where we didn't speak - overall, it's the same situation. In fact, she's doing better than me because she is actually seeing him! If I was a violent person I swear...

But that's neither here nor there. The real issue is the whole dating debacle. So much has changed in the dating world and either A) I'm not cut out for it B) I'm still not ready for it or C) I meet all the wrong people. It could be a combination of all three. I'm now taking a break from dating - how long? I can't say. I'm not even sure that I want to get back in, ever. It's too much work to get to know someone and then you find out that everything you thought you knew was a facade.

I am a firm believer of dating multiple people so the problem with ND wasn't that he was talking to other girls. It was that he didn't know how to manage us. I hadn't seen him since August so why wouldn't he want to see me before her? Why would he lie and say all those things to me about wanting to be with me when there are clearly contenders ahead of me? I don't get it. I probably never will so I'm going to stop trying to understand.

I'm about to be 24 years old. I'm not interested in dating for compaionship or conveinence. If I date you, I'm dating you to determine if we could be together long term. These guys out here ain't about that life. Happy May ya'll. (sigh)

april showers

April is a tough month for me, to say the least. April 8, 2011 I lost my best friend, LA. He was my ex boyfriend, but we had plans of changing that. We had so many plans. I had given him such a hard time while he tirelessly worked his way back into my life. I was apprehensive because of some the events in our history but I didn’t/couldn’t see myself with any other person. He was going to come visit me April 15, but instead I watched as they laid him to rest. He was moving here after he graduated in December, but instead I mourned and missed him all by my lonesome. I would’ve never expected this reaction to his loss in a million years. I think that’s mostly due to the fact that I never expected to lose him, all of him forever. My grieving process has been a work in progress. I am nowhere near where I used to be but I am still leaps and bounds from where I would like to be.

This entire situation has brought about many revelations, both good and bad. For the most part, I have had to deal with this on my own. I try not to speak about the situation for fear of making some uncomfortable. But is it fair that I’m supposed to have all these people who care about me and I can’t even depend on them for support? I’m tired of trying to make other people happy before me. It’s MY life and I deserve to be as selfish as I want when it comes to me. There has been times when I considered that maybe he wasn’t for me. Maybe he really wasn’t my destiny. It just feels so wrong to say that though, how could I be so wrong about something I felt so sure about? I’ve tried to step outside my comfort zones in the past year to entertain the possibility that someone else is out there for me. I can describe the experience in one word…FAIL.

My latest attempt involved someone I mentioned in a previous post. “ND.” I don’t know why I ever expect anything more than disappointment from him. My heart has already been torn, broken and burned and it seems like instead of trying to help mend it, he pours a bag of salt on an open wound every. single. time. I try to forget about how hurt I really am and something, or someone, always comes in and gives me multiple reminders.

Also, April 8th is my great grandmother’s birthday. She passed away my junior year of high school. Her death was so quick and unexpected, I think it left all of us in shock. She went to the doctor for a routine appointment and never came back home. Even though she was only about 4’10”, she had the personality of a 7-foot-tall giant. She lived to be over 80 years old. I am not sad that she passed because she lived such a long and full life. I am sad because my relationship with that half of the family has declined so much. Her birthday reminds me of how things change, and not always for the better. I just feel like if she or my grandma Cookie were still here, things would be so much better and our family wouldn’t have fallen apart like it has.

That’s one thing I have always wanted, my own family. Over the years I have noticed the subtle changes in all my family. How traditions are no longer sacred or treasured. How we stop spending as much time together. How we let other people come in between what we have… It’s so sad. I promised myself I would not let that happen to me, but now it just seems that I’ll never have a chance at building my own.

Man, this month is tough. It feels as if I have digressed a bit on my progress from last year. I sometimes wonder what in the world my purpose on this Earth is. I don’t know what it is I want to do, where it is I want to go…dreams I had for myself before have crumbled right before my eyes. *sigh* Here’s to hoping the old saying is true, “April showers bring May flowers.” I could sure use a nice bouquet in life right now.

march.

Happy March, ya’ll!

Yes-I do realize that I am 12 days late, but better late than never. I cannot believe how this year is already flying. However, I am excited for spring and warmer temperatures. Warmer temperatures=happier me.

So far, I have a lot planned for the month that I am looking forward to. This past weekend, I decided to switch out my closet. You know, switch my winter clothing out for spring and summer clothes. The process was grueling! Four hours later, after I submerged from a overflow of shoes and clothes…I had some realizations.

1. I really am blessed.
I work for a public service government agency. Daily, I see people struggle to make ends meet-from wondering where their next meal is coming from to having to wear the same clothes over and over. Life for me has been extremely tough during the past year. So tough that there were times that I seriously did not believe I could make it through. In dealing with all of the bad, I had forgotten about any good. I packed two trash bags full of clothes and shoes I didn’t want anymore and that barely put a dent in my closet. It’s still packed to the max and my dresser drawers are spilling over. Things may not be completely right in my life, and I have suffered several losses but my basic needs are beyond met. I do not have to go hungry, I have plenty of clothes to put on my back and I have a safe, warm place to rest every night. It’s so easy to take the little things for granted, but those little things are the world to someone else. I am grateful.

2. Spring cleaning needs to take effect in all areas of life.
Every year, I have this urge to clean around spring time. I throw out old things and organize everything else. Although the process is long, I feel so much better when all is said and done. And this year, (even though my closet still needs some work) going into a clutter free space to pick out my outfit starts me on a better foot each morning. Now, what if we take that same logic and apply it to our lives. What if we clean out the unnecessary and outdated material? Think about what stresses you out, think about certain habits you have that you would like to change, think about dead-end relationships and friendships, evaluate what you can change and toss the rest! I’ll use myself as an example. Some things I am cutting out of my life are: fast food, my nail biting habit, my hair twirling habit ( I know) and everyone I feel that does not appreciate me. Unlike my two trash bags of old belongings from my closet, I won’t be donating these! With that said, think about it....

Live easier!

there's this one thing that got me trippin'.

God be trying to play me ya’ll!

In February I was experiencing a heightened sense of self-reflection, self-discovery and self-love. I felt so confident and steadfast that I was able to exert self control and stand on my own two feet that I decided to challenge God. I challenged him to test me. And that, He did… He cut right to the chase and threw the biggest test of all right at me. I’m sure many can agree that we all have that one person who manages to drop by our lives and wreaks havoc during their stay. Until action is taken, they continue to flip life upside down and inside out. Last month is when I decided I was done with my unruly guest.

We shall refer to this guy as my natural disaster-ND for short. ND and I have never been in a relationship. There was a point in time I felt certain that we would be, but it never came. It started to feel like the more I got to know him, the more selfish, rude and conniving he got. So, I let it and him go. A few months later, I went on vacation and what do you know….seen him at a club. After that, we conversed a little but nothing major. On another trip to his city, I decided I would try to stop and see him. I did. And what was meant to be a short visit wounded up being over 2 hours. That evening, I was reminded of all the things I had liked about him before. He was amazingly handsome and strong, we had awesome conversation talking about any and everything, he made me laugh and I made him laugh, he made me feel beautiful and I had this sense of security being there with him. We ended up falling out of touch. The next instance was the last and by far the worst. He crept back in my life telling me how much he missed me and wanted to see me. I was at a very lonely point so I agreed. Long story short-he stood me up. I had never been so livid at another human being in my entire life. He made up some story for an explanation and I was not happy. I crowned him the king of buttholes and was done.

Well, he text me yesterday. He started out in a general conversation and then asked to confess something. He apologized for being a total asshole in the past and told me that he misses me so much and thinks about me every day. PAUSE! FLAG ON THE PLAY! REWIND…AND RUN THAT ISH BACK! Did this self-absorbed player just apologize to me?! At that moment, I began to feel weak. Maybe I hadn’t come as far as I thought? I didn’t know what to say, except “I appreciate that.” My exact words. He went on to tell me that he would like to see me, so I decided to test him. You see, he always wanted me to go to his city to see him (we live 3hrs apart); coming to see me was not an option, even though I had my own place long before he had his. I asked him if he would drive to see me and…..he says “yes, why wouldn’t I.” PAUSE. Say what now? I told him why I had asked and he said “well I had time to think about it.” PAUSE, again. I let my mind indulge for a moment, or two…or three. How was I feeling so weak when I was so strong a few hours before? Most importantly though…what is it about this guy that has the power to dang near bring me to my knees? Does he just know all the right things to say or am I just a bumbling fool? I ended up playing it cool and the conversation ended. I can’t say that I wasn’t looking for another text from him later that night or this morning. But, I don’t know why. Maybe it was the hopeless romantic in me that was holding on to the sheer hope that he really did take time and think about things. Maybe it was missing having someone fighting to win my heart. Maybe it was his words that teased me into thinking he’d somehow developed the qualities he was missing.

I didn’t give in though. I stayed short, clear and kept my feelings at bay (at least from him). It’s on the inside that I’m having this battle.

I wish I could know what it is about this guy….

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