april showers

April is a tough month for me, to say the least. April 8, 2011 I lost my best friend, LA. He was my ex boyfriend, but we had plans of changing that. We had so many plans. I had given him such a hard time while he tirelessly worked his way back into my life. I was apprehensive because of some the events in our history but I didn’t/couldn’t see myself with any other person. He was going to come visit me April 15, but instead I watched as they laid him to rest. He was moving here after he graduated in December, but instead I mourned and missed him all by my lonesome. I would’ve never expected this reaction to his loss in a million years. I think that’s mostly due to the fact that I never expected to lose him, all of him forever. My grieving process has been a work in progress. I am nowhere near where I used to be but I am still leaps and bounds from where I would like to be.

This entire situation has brought about many revelations, both good and bad. For the most part, I have had to deal with this on my own. I try not to speak about the situation for fear of making some uncomfortable. But is it fair that I’m supposed to have all these people who care about me and I can’t even depend on them for support? I’m tired of trying to make other people happy before me. It’s MY life and I deserve to be as selfish as I want when it comes to me. There has been times when I considered that maybe he wasn’t for me. Maybe he really wasn’t my destiny. It just feels so wrong to say that though, how could I be so wrong about something I felt so sure about? I’ve tried to step outside my comfort zones in the past year to entertain the possibility that someone else is out there for me. I can describe the experience in one word…FAIL.

My latest attempt involved someone I mentioned in a previous post. “ND.” I don’t know why I ever expect anything more than disappointment from him. My heart has already been torn, broken and burned and it seems like instead of trying to help mend it, he pours a bag of salt on an open wound every. single. time. I try to forget about how hurt I really am and something, or someone, always comes in and gives me multiple reminders.

Also, April 8th is my great grandmother’s birthday. She passed away my junior year of high school. Her death was so quick and unexpected, I think it left all of us in shock. She went to the doctor for a routine appointment and never came back home. Even though she was only about 4’10”, she had the personality of a 7-foot-tall giant. She lived to be over 80 years old. I am not sad that she passed because she lived such a long and full life. I am sad because my relationship with that half of the family has declined so much. Her birthday reminds me of how things change, and not always for the better. I just feel like if she or my grandma Cookie were still here, things would be so much better and our family wouldn’t have fallen apart like it has.

That’s one thing I have always wanted, my own family. Over the years I have noticed the subtle changes in all my family. How traditions are no longer sacred or treasured. How we stop spending as much time together. How we let other people come in between what we have… It’s so sad. I promised myself I would not let that happen to me, but now it just seems that I’ll never have a chance at building my own.

Man, this month is tough. It feels as if I have digressed a bit on my progress from last year. I sometimes wonder what in the world my purpose on this Earth is. I don’t know what it is I want to do, where it is I want to go…dreams I had for myself before have crumbled right before my eyes. *sigh* Here’s to hoping the old saying is true, “April showers bring May flowers.” I could sure use a nice bouquet in life right now.